Widely percieved best teams in the world – Brazil, Argentina, France, Italy

Champions League Winners 2008/2009 – Barcelona

Uefa Cup Winners 2008/2009 – Shakthar Donetsk

Double Ballon D’or Winners – Ferenc Puskas, Alfredo Di Stefano

All non english speaking (generally when referring to clubs or national sides).

Award for bringing ignorant degrading comments into community football – Westerhailes Baptist Church FC

Disgrace.

With a horrendous mess made of sorting out a squad I was left at 5pm asking anybody with two feet to come and play for us. In the end we eventually managed to get together 10 players (no expeprienced goalkeeper) and ended up borrowing one of the Baptist mob. I had to ask for kick off to be delayed 5 minuted due to Owen’s train being a bit slow, to which the referee replied “According to my SFA rulebook you have more than 8 players here so the game can go ahead”. SFA rulebook, JESUS. It was a friendly between two non-SFA affiliated teams. Thankfully the ref did back down and decided 5 minutes wouldn’t make that much difference for his bus back to Harthill. Eventually Owen arrived and we were able to line up as follows. Greig Johnstone AKA Sach in goals (despite the fact hes a centre-half by trade), in defence (left to right) J.Dick (captain), Marcin Nowak, Louie (a punter of Staggs), and Ray (a striker from up north we borrowed from the Baptists). In midfield were (l-r) Yorkie (who saved our collective asses by coming in last minute), Clarky, Ryan “Georgie Best” McKenna, and Andy Mckinlay. Up front were the prolific partnership of Owen Kinsella and Val. No subs, which would later become a challenge considering the Baptists turned up with almost 20 players.

The match eventually got under way when the ref made sure the ground was to SFA standards, that all forms were filled in in triplicate, all players were registered, Sepp Blatter had been fully fallated, and that the 6th official was in place to ensure each blade of grass had been well trimmed with a pair of nail scissors. The match started well with fluid motion and pressure from both sides and it was clear there were several goals to come when the Baptist striker chipped a shot over Sach and it bounced hilariously over the bar. However it would be Wester Hailes that would capitulate first with a staggs attack from Owen rushing forward down the middle and Yorkie picking the ball up in the middle of the park, jinking past a couple green and white shirts to slot cooly home and open the account for the Volleys. Soon after the FIFA panel of 8th officials had scrutinised video evidence and deemed the goal as passable the match was ready to kick off again. 1-0 Staggs. Not long after the game was under way again a Baptist attack that was absorbed by the very much makeshift Volleys defence resulted in a swooping counter attack from Owen down the right feeding the ball to Val to power home and sublimely double the advantage to 2-0 with an excellent shot to the top corner. After experiencing the sting of a VAFC team held together by the footballing equivalent of papier mache it was time for the Baptists to rally or die. And rally they did with a couple impressive attacks making use of my poor fitness from the months break and came close when they missed another shameful open goal. The pressure remained even from both sides and a goal was certain to come. The baptists did manage to open their account before half time in a totally unexpected way. After making one of many quality saves sach went to kick the ball up the park and ended up belting it off a Wester Hailes shin and the ball went ballooning into the net. In direct response to this the Volleys had to restore their two goal lead before half time and did so in the smoothest way possible typical of their style. With a cutting run through the middle Clarky played a brilliantly precise ball towards the penalty spot for Andy McKinlay to put away with a diving header that showed true finesse and class.

Going into the break it was fairly evident what we had to do. Despite the team’s piecemeal nature we were holding out and playing together with some strong linkup play from the wings and we just had to focus on keeping the defence tight and further our advantage without making any mistakes. Obviously no changes were made as we had no substitutes to mention and we had put in a good performance in the first half. Wester Hailes rung in the changes bringing on numerous fresh legs. Keen to regain some control of the match Wester Hailes got the match underway with intense vigour making full use of fresh legs with dashing runs left right and centre looking to break apart our makeshift defence. With long balls coming over the top everytime the match looked to have gained a rather Scottish feel to it, with Wester Hailes purveying a brand of football particularly popular with those of a maroon or royal blue persuasion. However they managed to gain a foothold on the game after a superb shot ghosted in across goal and went just out of Sach’s reach to make it 3-2. With weary legs and half an hour remaining it was time to opt for a christmas tree approach with Yorkie pulling back to play in defence to make it a 5-3-2. The most dreadful moment of my entire life was soon around the corner. Another speculative hoist up the park from Wester Hailes keeper left the Volleys tired defence for dead and a striker charged through onto the ball. I managed to catch up with him and nick the ball. I gave it das boot to put it out for a corner and it landed sweetly in the bottom left corner of our net. Absolute dismay. It had all gone very much Billy Gallas. There had been a major collision between the brown stuf and the fan. The buns had been sold. I had equalised for Wester Hailes. I wanted the ground to open up and disentegrate me. From this point on it was gung ho, throwing everything at the goal to make up for my dreadful error. Another fresh pair of legs were brought on for the Baptists, a fairly short wee lad with piles of pace who I reckon was one of their best out there. With Staggs piling forward a goal seemed very likely to come from some brilliant attacks and a couple of near miss free kicks. However upset was yet to come when a Wester Hailes striker added insult to injury with a spectacular shot that ghosted across goal and slotted in sublimely to the top left corner of the goal. 4-3 to the Baptists, with time against us it was serious gung ho time with Sach coming up from the goal for everything but sadly it was not to be and with the final whistle came the overwhelming feeling that I had ruined things.

Very much a positive performance from VAFC and I think the only person who can’t walk away from this one with their head held high is me. I can’t begin to apologise enough because we truly deserved to win that game, having had a goal chalked off and dealing with a referee with a very poor sense of geography and the rules of football as he chucked about the yellow cards like nobodys business, to all and sundry in green and purple. Definite positives to take though. Andy put in a solid shift on the right wing and was deservedly rewarded with a brilliant goal. Owen and Val worked superbly together up front with Val being unlucky to see a goal chalked off and Owen being very unlucky not to add to his already impressive tally. Clarky and Ry worked tremendously in the centre of midfield and provided excellent service for the lads up front in their usual industrious manner with Clarky setting up Andy’s goal with a characteristicly great ball. Yorkie was ever industrious and made a great call to drop back into defence and put in a quality shift. Ray the lad we borrowed was good as well despite being a forward and if he didn’t live up north we’d snap him up. Louie and Marcin were solid at centre half and did well particularly covering for me at times. I was dreadful. Totally inept and completely unfit, I really feel worse for wear for the month we had off due to not being able to get a game together. However, man of the match has to go to Sach for bravely stepping in between the sticks and putting in a brilliant performance that certainly merited a pair of gloves from Sports Soccer, despite shipping 4 goals he did exceptionally well to cope with a makeshift defence and made some tremendous saves.

As for the man in the middle all I can say is that Harthill are welcome to keep him.

Keep the faith

JD

With Owen having a mild score to settle with The God Squad he had pressed on with team selection and pulled a few strings to pick up some excellent new players. With stalwart Gordon Mackenzie out due to a knee injury (scans still pending) Owen called on an old pal from Luca’s, Gordon Devine to fill the epic chasm left by Musselburgh’s favourite Plocktonian. A very big lad who at times can be spotted chasing an egg arrived with promise to mop up any balls in the air and provide an ample amount of sliding tackles. With Gordon came his mate Adam with a reputation as a good goalkeeper, but willing to do a job at centre half also. The match also provided opportunity to feed in some players for their first appearance after pledging their pub football career to VAFC. Ryan Mckenna was available selection for this match and is part of one of Musselburgh’s famous football families with his father Tony a leading presence at Musselburgh Windsor, and younger brother Michael who served an apprenticeship at Dunfermline. Another promising player that had pledged his future was Mark ‘Perfect Diluting Juice’ Valentine, a technically gifted striker looking to restart his career after a brief hiatus. In order to provide ourselves with a few defensive options Owen called upon the services of Paul, his sister Siobhan’s mate’s Fiancee. Last, but not least is Matthew Tulloch, an experienced, fit, and creative player, happy to do a job almost anywhere on the park. Precisely what we have been looking for.

With a brief window in the weather the match drew a massive crowd of 20 (which includes subs for both teams) on a clear and fresh Fisherrow night. It was good to get a return to action on home turf and it was clear the boys were all up for it. We stuck with the good old flat 4-4-2 with Ciaran Mulgrew hitting the sticks, (from right to left) Declan Kinsella, Adam, Gordon Devine, and myself Joe Dick (captain) making up a physically solid back four with plenty of height. In midfield were Kaz, Derek, Clarky, Owen Kinsella, and up front were Tulloch and Val. With a pretty large subs bench we had depth in the squad consisting of; Paddy Gauson, Calum Day, Paul and Ryan Mckenna. For once we were able to line up with 11 men at kick off without having to wait on anybody and the match got underway with the God Squad winning the toss and choosing to give us centre. The match started well with some tremendous early pressure from us focused mainly down the right wing Kinsella partnership. The through balls were flowing and we had a couple good chances. However it didn’t take long before we were caught napping at the back and The God Squad took the lead through a curling effort from the right flank that eventually nestled in the top left corner. It was crucial for us to keep the heads up and we resumed the game just as we had started it but again got caught out after a long spell of pressure that saw a sparkling white shirt skip past big Gordon and slot home to extend the lead to 2-0. Psychologically we were in a truly fragile position, continue the push and risk conceding could prove fatal, however sitting back and accepting a 2-0 loss would be utterly useless. At such an early stage we continued the pressure seeing the ball switch from wing to wing and a couple brilliant runs that should have lead to goals for the Volleys. The God Squad made a quick break that lead to a real goalmouth scramble, I thought I had it truly dealt with but my clearance was totally dreadful and The God Squad rifled home from a yard. Probably the worst moment of my career so far and somemthing that I really have to work on. At 3-0 down after 25 minutes or so it was time to push the gung-ho button and try and pull at least a couple goals back before the break. With some deliciously delicate play between Declan, Clarky, and Owen, the ball was sent through on the right wing where Owen picked it up, carried a few yards, dropping a shoulder to beat 2 players and then belting it home from a tight angle and 25 yards. A truly excellent team goal with a superb finish from Kinsella. This goal had a massively galvanising effect on the team and we retrieved posession shortly after kick off. A brilliant move up the left wing with some delicate passing saw the God Squad put the ball out for a corner. A great inswinging ball from Clarky was cleared out for another corner, and he followed it up with a carbon copy ball that lead to an epic goalmouth scramble. With a couple of gilt-edge chances we should have nicked a goal, but the biggest disappointment from this move came when a crystal clear handball was not given. To pick up a penalty to make it 3-2 just before half time would have completely changed the face of the game and I feel this was a really significant moment in the game and it blighted an otherwise spotless record for our whistler Mr Cochrane. Before the break we saw a couple of pretty dreadful defensive errors that allowed The God Squad to extend their lead by another 2 goals to make it 5-1 at half time. It was glaringly evident that something had to be done at half time.

Learning from previous tactical errors I made certain we didn’t change the formation as it was only necessary for a change of personnel. With Ciaran Mulgrew blatantly refusing to play another second in goals we were forced to put Adam in goals, I had to fill in at centre back and Paddy Gauson deputised again at left back. With Declan Kinsella picking up a knock to his back in the first half he had to come off in exchange for Paul. Suffering from below match fitness Mark Valentine was substituted for Calum Day. Clarky, another casualty of fitness was swapped for debutante Mckenna and we were able to retain our shape for the second half. Adam in Goals, in defence (r-l) Paul, Gordon, Joe Dick (captain), Paddy Gauson, in midfield (r-l) Owen Kinsella, Derek, Ryan Mckenna, Kaz, Forwards, Calum and Tulloch.

The second half started dreadfully. From kick off their number 8 Eebzy (unsure about the spelling) planed straight through the centre and once again slotted home from close range into the bottom left corner that Adam would have been lucky to get to. It was pretty clear at this stage we  had to go at this match all guns blazing in a brave attempt to try and restore any pride. The push continued and we conceded 2 further pretty sloppy goals from close range. At 7-1 down things couldn’t seem to get much worse, until big Gordon injured himself and had to go off. I was forced to pull Derek back from centre-mid and brought Mulgrew on for Gordon. This decision did actually prove fruitful as Mulgrew keen to impress finished off a brilliant move in similar fashion to Owen’s earlier goal. A definite morale boost and signs of promise for the future. For some reason this goal didn’t have the effect it should have and the team became pretty unstable, with people making their own substitutions the formation soon went to the dogs and at times we were left with only 3 at the back. I eventually found myself at right back due to the injured Gordon deciding he was sound and Paul subbing himself for Gordon. With such drastic instability it should come as no surprise that we went on to concede an astonishing 5 further goals, most of which again were from close range and the sense of relief at the final whistle was pretty evident. 12-2, a 10 goal defeat, definitely something hard to take inspiration or positives from, but surprisingly there were.

The biggest positive I’m taking from this is the expansion of the squad and rooting out some talent. We managed to discover Adam, a fairly poor centre half, but a pretty good goalkeeper with the height and bravery to go with it. Gordon Devine proved a useful addition with his height and fearless challenges, his only downside being occasional lapses of concentration. Tulloch also proved his worth with excellent technical ability and the fitness to prove himself a consistent nuisance for defenders for the entire 90 minutes. Ryan Mckenna put in a good shift in the middle of the park, winning balls in the air despite his height, and playing some excellent balls from the centre midfield. As expected Val caused problems for the God Squad defence with a good performance laced with trickery and a physical presence. Last but not least is Paul, an extremely handy option at full back that will be called upon in future.

Another positive is the networking due to this game. Picking up a contact for Stevie Cochrane the referee who put in a pretty good performance and stamped his authority on the game and didnt stand for any nonsense from players. The other handy contact established is Paul Harkins the gaffer of Musselburgh Baptist FC and we will definitely be calling on them again for a friendly when they aren’t on league business.

As far as picking a man of the match I would probably nominate Eebzy for his pacey, technical performance that saw him constantly skipping past defenders and causing some real problems. Staggs most valuable player is once again a difficult choice to make, firstly because of the result of the match, but secondly and most importantly because of the variety of good performances out there. Gordon Devine did put in a pretty excellent performance for his debut but due to some lapses in concentration loses out on the award. Paddy Gauson is another contender with some brilliant runs from left back and mopping up many attacks, but also working well with myself to provide cover for each other. I could easily pick out any body from the midfield as there was some tremendous play amongst them and they all serviced the forwards well with some excellent through balls. Tulloch made a brilliant debut notable for his selfless play and was unfortunate not to score when he hit both posts with a brilliant effort. Mulgrew’s contribution is also duly noted for finishing off a well worked move with a curling right foot strike from the edge of the box that found its way into the top right corner. Declan Kinsella must also be noted for his quality workmanship and creation of an almost flawless partnership with his brother, but it is Owen who swipes the award for a brilliant shift over 90 minutes and a remarkable 25 yard strike to go with the partnership with Declan.

With the benefit of hindsight I can say that we were pretty unfortunate to lose by such a huge margin as they finished most of their goals within 10 yards, and we also heaped on the pressure from start to finish and if it wasn’t for a few unfortunate errors at the back and the penalty decision it could have been a very different story. However we have to continue to march onwards and upwards, at this stage im just happy to get games in and have them go ahead, and its pretty clear we are building towards a bright future with a good squad and a fair passion for the club building up.

Keep the faith,

JD

Early on I could sense things weren’t right. Due to some horrific planning I arrived in Dalkeith at 5.30, it would take until 6.40 before any of the VAFC boys would show, and even then it was only 2 of them. At 6.50 it was looking like a pretty expensive 2 on 2 game, presumably the first one ever to be refereed by a recognised SFA official. In a particularly rude display the 1811 squad rocked up at precisely 7pm, otherwise known as kick off time. If it wasnt for the full VAFC squad turning up at 7.15 I would be able to properly lambast the Witchery for their tardiness, however it is still pretty outrageous to show up at such an hour.

After this false start we finally got kicked off a good half hour late, thanks to the generosity on display from the staff at the campus. From the very kick off I managed to make a bit of a joke of myself, with Chris ‘Community’ Muir the man in the middle reminding me to tuck my socks into my shinpads, Owens quick pass to me from kick off went straight out as I was still arsing around with socks. The Witchery put us under some pretty intense pressure early on. A decisive flashpoint in the match was seen with an attack coming down my wing I tried to dupe the attacker by dummying the ball and let it go through my legs in order to turn and clear. As i went to send the ball into orbit the ball had already moved and I ended up near enough carrying out a double leg amputation on the boy. Thankfully no caution was merited, however from this free kick the ball was played to the other wing and a sloppy foul was conceded. From this 1811 capitalised on the stroke of half time with a well taken free kick that beat everybody in the box, including all the Witchery boys and it nestled into the back corner of the net. Definitely an unfortunate end to a half that saw both teams have fair chances and VAFC holding out against some pretty intense pressure.

An impromtu babble with some good points from Willie Mulgrew, spectator and father to midfielder/keeper Ciaran, pointed out that it was evident we had to start winning the midfield battle and 4-5-1 was deemed the best option, with Owen dropping back to become an attacking midfielder. The 2nd half started much the same as the 1st ended and on the hour mark after an insane goal mouth scramble that saw Mike Kinsella pull off some excellent reaction saves, an extremely dubious whistle went to declare a Witchery goal, karma coming back to haunt us as the ball hadn’t crossed the line when the whistle went. After this, all chaos ensued and the floodgates opened with the Witchery boys banging in a further 6 goals in an eventful second half. With a couple decent breaks VAFC came close but lacked a clinical touch and without a second striker it was a case of trying to bomb through the middle.

The real lowlight of the match, was not the utter drubbing the scoreline suggested, but was the result of an offside decision against number 17 for the Witchery. At least 4 yards offside he was instantly incensed, and for the umpteenth time in the match chose to unleash a torrent of abuse aimed directly at Chris ‘Fair-Play-Eagle-Eyes’ Muir. Foul language is generally tolerated at this level, but when directed at an official like that it should merit an instant sending off. A truly sad state of affair that speaks volumes about the state of the game in Scotland at community level, where a player in a game where his team is 5 or 6 goals ahead feels its fine to behave like that at getting caught yards offside.

Despite the fairly flattering scorline for 1811 Witchery the boys are very keen for a rematch to settle the score, and also because they were good lads, despite a few lapses in the fair play department. It was clear what the difference was, fitness. Without a weekly g ame and a bit of training VAFC were always going to have the lesser hand, however this situation will rectify itself once the games come thick and fast and I can already feel the effects myself.

It was a really tough game that was tough to take positives from, but there were a few good performances out there. Paddy Gauson, after coming on late in the match brought some stability to the midfield with a fairly deft touch, Gordon Mackenzie did as good a job as possible in centre half, but the player who walks away with the most glory would have to be youngster Declan Kinsella for dealing with almost every attack on his flank and making a few good runs. It gives me great pleasure to give man of the match to such a young lad, who is surely at the core of the future of this club.

I’d also like to take this opportunity to apologise to the team and the dedicated travelling support of 2 for my antics at the final whistle. In a fit of disgust at my inability to defend the goal that was scored on the stroke of full time (which by the way was not some kind of mercy rule as 1811 suggest). As the ball struck the net and the whistle was blown I threw the sacred VAFC captain’s armband to the ground. I’d like to say that being the first player in the clubs history to wear the armband means so much more to me than this action suggests, and I’d like to ensure you that these kind of shenanigans will not occur again.

After being completely unable to find opposition at such short notice we will be making use of our booking at Fisherrow (which hasnt been cancelled yet) for a training match and also a scouting opportunity. Putting out an invite to everyone we know who will play it will give the boys a chance to pick up some lost confidence and also a chance to run the rule over some potential new signings.

If you want to waste your time reading an utterly unobjective account of the game here’s 1811′s attempt at a match report.

Cheers, JD